The Reason for my Missing In Action-Blog Post

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted on my blog in a while and I apologize for that. Last month on December 11, 2016 my dad died unexpectedly. I did not find out until Tuesday, December 13, 2016 when his best friend called me.  It has been a lot to process. This comes 3 years after I buried his mother.
http://www.idahocountyfreepress.com/obituaries/2016/dec/21/barry-westlake/

His mother is the reason I am passionate about finding a cure for Alzheimer's while raising awareness. She and I were very close. Her side of the family has always said to me, "Your mother, oh wait, oh yeah your grandma. We just always saw you with her. She was like your mom." Yes she was.. And she was a great mom when she was a mom. But somethings you can not help and that is how others will turn out when they grow up. She helped raise me. I cared for her as she cared for me till the end of her life. Her son was in denial till the day she died and would not and could not care for her. He did not have the capacity to do so on many levels both mentally and legally.

Dads remains in a box.. I picked him
up the day after Christmas.

My father was an only child. I am also my dads only child.  Unfortunately he suffered from addiction pretty much from the time he was in college until his death at the age of 66. His drugs of choice were Heroin and most recently "speed" as he put it on paper. He also was a heavy alcoholic.  He would be clean for a while and then he would put himself on a path of self destruction.  I will never know why and I will never understand it because I sit on the opposite side of addiction.

The main cause of his death was being septic.  There were five other causes of death listed on his death certificate. Its very sad and anger-some to me because it feels like a wasted life. My own mother has been very compassionate and has reminded me he was also mentally ill, suffering from bipolar and manic depression; however I struggle to wrap my head around all of it.

In many ways I am glad it is over. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for some time, but in other ways I am sad that this was the only child my grandma had and he didn't do anything with his life.  Some people say to me "He had you, that is something." I am still trying to figure out how I actually feel about that.   He was very creative and loved education. He could build just about anything and could restore any car.   He had many visions but could not see a project through.  I imagine most of that had to do with his mental abilities.  I stopped talking to my father in 2014 because he began using again and I couldn't take the scary Barry that came with his usage. Angry, rage, violence. I had to protect my family.

His father is still alive today. My family and I will be flying out in March to help him celebrate his 90th birthday.  My Grandpa, my father and I all celebrated our birthdays days apart from one another and in generational order.  It was hard to call my grandpa and tell him his only son had died.  We both cried together.  But he also felt a sense of relief too because it most likely isn't fun to battle your own demons like that in your head. "Us" being on the other side of things, it was equally as hard for both him and I. My grandfather spent years trying to help. Getting him into treatment.  Finally he had to give up too.  I  found comfort knowing the two of them had been chatting on the phone recently. Then grandpa said "he wasn't straight on the phone, but we had a couple nice chats."

How I found out about my dad dying has also been disturbing and very sad. To see how he was living was hard.  I spent 5 days sorting through his things, paperwork, etc.  Barry was given one last opportunity to thrive and instead 3 years later managed to destroy a lot and finally make his journey from this life to the next permanent.

Death is never easy, no matter the circumstances. It just feels as though his suffering in the end was pretty intense and it was self inflicted.

A brief visit with my dad in 2012 after his mom died.

I am trying to see the cup half full and that would be that I have a life that I live every day to the fullest.  I always try to stay upbeat and positive. I have over come so many obstacles includes pre-stomach cancer. I am an advocate for his mother and share my story of her story of her long battle with Alzheimer's.   I am a mom to a wonderful little boy who has more energy than me most days. I am a wife and I am very good at my role of managing the house along with working full time. I love my job. I love having my own photography business.
I have many blessings to be thankful for today, tomorrow and in the future. I only wish individuals like my dad could see the potential they had in the skills they were blessed with instead of throwing it away on addiction while hurting themselves and there loved ones in the process.

At the top I have included the link to my fathers obituary that I put together.

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you all.